Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Zoloft and Me

I've been on Zoloft for nearly 3 months now. I started taking a tiiiiny dose when Snowflake was a few weeks old, as I was feeling a little post-partum depression-y. Not like depressed, but just angsty and moody and yelly and anxious.

I started on 12.5 mgs a day, which is a really small dose. I'd read a lot of stuff that suggests that for people with obsessiveness, compulsiveness, anxiety, and mild ASDs that micro-doses of SSRIs can be of great help. Zoloft is the only SSRI that's really safe to take while nursing, so I gave it a try. It really helped level me out just a little.

I bumped up to 25 mgs a day a month or so ago. It's not considered a therapeutic dose, but it's had a remarkable effect in curbing my obsessiveness. I no longer feel driven by an outside (inside, I guess) force to research, study, or build things. It's nice to have a quiet brain, and it's nice to not feel compelled to do things I don't want to, but it does feel very strange. I don't feel flat or like a zombie- I just feel like me without the noise.

It's unsettling to not have a project. I get stuff done, and can focus on necessary and/or enjoyable things, but I miss my busy mind. I don't like that I actually have the mental energy to think about my emotions. For example, Mr. Dad and I are getting divorced. I'm fine, and the girls are fine, and he's fine, and we're starting all this on the best possible footing. Usually, though, I'd have some project going on in the background, taking up my time and energy. Without that, I actually have time to feel things, and I don't like it. I'm not used to dwelling on my feelings- ordinarily, I can acknowledge my emotions and move on, but now, with all this surplus room in my head, they stick around a little bit longer than I'm used to.

I'm still an emotional weirdo (hence the divorce- I'm just not cut from marrying cloth) and I'm still doing everything I usually do, but I feel lost without my projects. I have become more introspective and have been trying to determine what's at the root of my emotional stuntedness. Is it really Asperger's? Is it a really odd manifestation of childhood trauma? I really don't know.

If I can get "better," and want to form meaningful relationships, that's something I want to pursue. I don't want wine, men, and song for myself, though, but for my kids. If I can learn to be more "normal" for them, I will. If it's really neurological, then there's not much I can do besides learn more healthy coping mechanisms for navigating a social world.

All in all, I'm glad I started the Zoloft. I haven't had any side effects that aren't welcome (goodbye, libido, please, never come back) and it's helped hush up my head. I'd recommend it to others with OCD/ anxiety/ ASD/ spectrumy stuff for sure, but it's not magic, and it's not a cure for much. Quiet is nice, and I'm trying to get used to it..

We'll see.

Also: Sunshine's speech is coming along beautifully and she's enjoying her weekly speech therapy sessions. Her neuro appointment has been set up for the end of Feburary. Snowflake is being a very excellent 4-month-old, even if she wants to wake up at 7am just to yammer at me.

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